There is a constant in my life: I am exhausted.
Ok, this might have some health issues behind it, but today I’m focusing on the persistent feeling that I’m tired of life.
When I give it a little thought, I realize that I am not tired of life itself.
But I am tired of chasing a career. I am tired of socializing with people I hate during work. Tired of seeing them do a terrible job and getting better pay than I do.
And then I wonder, am I really good at what I do? Do I even like what I do?
I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m tired of my profession.
I hate it.
I’ve hated all the jobs I’ve had.
I hate the routine. I hate the people, the mentality. I don’t feel comfortable, safe, or happy.
There are moments when I feel good about it, but it is just ego. A compliment, a good result, giving me a boost of serotonin, but it soon fades.
And what should I do with this feeling?
Keep trying, since I’ve spent so much time trying to make it work?
Give up and find another line of work?
And if it’s the latter, what the hell should I do with it? What profession should I follow?
Many people say that I’m still young, but at 25, I feel EXHAUSTED. Too old for new things if I want to be rich by 30.
And, ok, let’s suppose I found a new interest, researched it, and realized it’s my new professional goal: how do I do this transition?
How do I get the money to do so? I can’t quit my job to follow my passions — trust me, I’d already done it if I could. But I can’t.
I am stuck. Unhappy. The few things that make sense in my life are my hobbies, and sadly, hobbies are not meant to be a profession. They’re meant to be a scape.
I am eager to spend my money on illustration classes- something I’ve always dreamt about. Drawing is one of the few things in life that REALLY makes sense to me. Really makes things easier, better, safer.
Even though I am not excellent at it, it’s the only thing I love doing. The classes were to make me improve, make me better at it. Not to become a professional, but to make me happier with my creations.
Now, I don’t even know if I should make this investment: why spend money on my hobbies if I’m probably going to need a course for my new-not-chosen-yet profession?
Career transitions are expensive. You need to learn new things and dedicate time and effort. I can’t do it with both — career and hobby.
Should I kill this little part of me that’s still breathing so I can try to recover it later in life? Or should I say “fuck it”, and follow my passion, and see where this takes me?
I know you can’t answer these questions, dear reader. Even I can’t, right now.
Guess I could say I took the first step: after reading five books in English, I am finally not afraid of writing in English as well. Maybe this can help me get a better job? A better career?
I don’t know. All I know is that writing is a hell of a therapy. Putting those feelings in real life was good.
I’ll let you know of my next steps — if there are any.
See you soon,
Bye!
